In my philosophies you will have come across me talking about ‘the three selfs’:

1. The ought self – driven by the expectations of others
2. The real self – driven by ones own true values, beliefs and goals
3. The ideal self – the one you are in the process of becoming as you progress along the pathway towards your future vision and goals

Senior executives often get shackled down by the ought self – with all the expectations others place on them, as well as the expectations they place on themselves. This can be a serious constraint to doing something meaningful and purposeful. The ought self feeds on fear, guilt and cultural beliefs that define traditional career paths. Your tenure as a senior leader is determined by how well you remain aligned to the mission of the company; how well you deliver all your KPI’s. You constantly strive to prove you are the right person for the job. But at what cost?

Far too often we fear what other people might think if we choose to pursue what we really want – what is meaningful to us. Will we be seen as self-serving, selfish, irresponsible, lacking in good judgement, wasteful of our talents, not providing the desired ROI of our education…and so on. The thing is, for this to happen, we have to subordinate our own needs to those we perceive as being more important or powerful than ourselves. We fear being rejected if we do not follow along with what they expect of us. So many psychologists tell us that the route to happiness is in focusing solely on making other people happy. And there is some element of truth in that, but no where as much as they make out.

We are each given the gift of life – we are each unique individuals. Why should we not value our uniqueness? Why should we not recognise ourselves as the most important people in our lives? I grew up as a type E woman – everything to everyone. I supported my family, my husband, my children and my friends and community. Then one day I decided enough was enough. After being tagged as being ‘selfish’ for pursuing a personal interest that didn’t quite fit the expectation of someone important in my life, I realised how controlled I was by my ‘ought’ self. From that moment on, I continued to love and support those important to me, I continued to be a responsible citizen, but I was going to do it on my terms – my life, my game rules. I learnt to value, respect and honour myself first. And amazingly, in doing so I found I was able to give so much more.

One cannot share water from a dry well. If you are not nourishing your own life, caring for your own body, nurturing your own mind, your relative existence gets very small. You start to stagnate. Just look at the pioneers in the world – did they allow people to stand in the way of their true desires?  Absolutely not! They held strong and steadfast in the face of all opposition. They gave themselves permission to be their ‘real selfs’, to grow into their ‘ideal selfs’ and follow their true calling.

Not everyone will understand your life purpose, or your pathway to that purpose. But the thing is, they don’t need to. As long as you do, and that you are being true to yourself, that is what matters most. When we are pursuing something deeply meaningful, we are energised, we are in control, and we are aligned to our natural flow. Living our ‘ought self’ sets us on a pathway challenges and obstacles, typified by chronic fatigue, lack lustre ambition and minimal control. This can lead to feeling frustrated, anxious, angry resentful and even depressed.

There is no right or wrong path in life; there is just the one you choose. Just ask yourself – if my path being chosen by my ought self or my real self?

Author: Gail La Grouw. Insight Mastery Program Director, and Strategic Performance Consultant for Coded Vision Ltd.