During my career as a strategic performance consultant I often found myself in negotiations with my clients vendors or internally between different divisions. I always managed to navigate my way through these negotiations with such ease and came out with good relationships. Yet in my own personal negotiations I have struggled. Why? Well, it all comes down to emotions getting in the way. With my clients negotiations I dearly wanted to get the best outcome for my client, but I was not personally going to gain or lose value through the outcome other than the impact it would have on the progress of my consulting engagement. So how can we get around our emotions when engaged in personal negotiations?
Some time ago I read an article about how the FBI agents use emotional intelligence to negotiate. that helped me put several things in perspective. Firstly, it got me thinking about the difference between intimidation and influence. We are all negotiators from the day we are born – every time we are attempting to persuade someone to do something, or think or behave in a certain way. In all of these events, emotions always influence the outcome. In many instances emotions become the problem. Emotions can divert communication, build up secular positioning and derail rational thinking. However, rather than consider emotions are barriers to successful negotiation we can leverage them as a means to an acceptable outcome.
The article suggested several ways we can make emotions work for us, instead of against us.
Mirror Selectively
Most negotiation courses teach us how mirroring the other party’s body language or words helps to establish a connection, and build rapport. Repeating the last one to three words back to the other party is one of the quickest ways to establish a rapport and make them feel safe enough to reveal themselves. It is also a useful ploy to slow the conversation down, giving time to think.
Gain Awareness
Before every negotiation sit down and list all the weaknesses of your position. Then prepare answers for difficult questions you may be presented with. This awareness keeps you from being taken by surprise or not being prepared with a strategically positioned response.
Empathise Strategically
Be obvious in your attempts to understand the other party’s feelings. This can be done by using phrases such as “it sounds like you are concerned about…” or “am I right in understanding that you fear….?”
Give Neutral Control
Some negotiation strategies suggest building up a pattern of getting the other party to say yes to peripheral or minor points to help them be more agreeable. However, every yes often feels like a concession to the other side, even if it was not on a point of negotiation. Channelling the conversation to neutral areas, and using guiding questions where they get to say no helps the other party feel like they have a measure of control. In turn, this gives them a sense of security.
Once negotiations are further down the track you can ask no-oriented questions such as: “have you given up on this aspect?” …or “Is it too late to talk about x ?”
Trigger a Breakthrough
Once the other person feels you understand them, you are at a point where a breakthrough can happen. This is when you want to trigger ‘agreement responses’. The best way to do this is to summarise what you believe the other person feels and what they want. This summary must be positioned strategically so that it triggers agreement. Tap into feelings and passions that are driving them, but that they may be blind to. You can do this by paraphrasing what they say. For example, a common ‘negotiation position’ of a buyer may be that they think what you are offering is worth the price you are asking, but they simply cannot afford to pay that for fear that competitor suppliers may then also demand higher prices. You would counter with…”so what you are saying is that you don’t want to upset your other suppliers or risk setting a new precedent? Acknowledging their side and mirroring their point shows them you understand, and contributes to a feeling of working together.
Wrong is Not the Opposite of Right
Too often we get caught in defining opposites, when in reality most things work on a continuum. Wrong is not the opposite of right. There are scales of right and scales of wrong. Right and wrong are merely perceptions based on an individual’s values and beliefs. One person’s right can be another person’s wrong, but only for them. Don’t let them make it yours. So never try to force the other party into admitting you are right or they are wrong. Negotiations are as much about recognising and accepting each other’s differences as they are about resolving.
Resolutions are more about each person gaining rapport with the other. The more someone likes you, the more flexible he or she will be.
Author: Gail La Grouw. Insight Mastery Program Director, and Strategic Performance Consultant for Coded Vision Ltd.
